As we savour the last days of the school summer break, we also need to make plans for the transition back to school and the structure and expectations that come with it. For many families traditional closure of the previous school year was absent, creating an even more challenging start this September; but the creation of new routines can provide a simple way to ease everyone back into the classroom gently.
Routines – purpose and benefits
I’m a huge fan of routines, they take away aggravation and replace it with empowerment. By definition a routine is a repeated set of actions carried out in an identified environment, and it is the repetition which makes it easy for children to learn and therefore be knowing and able to predict what will take place in specific settings – and children like to be right, and praise and thanks is a great way to start the day. Nothing is more stressful or destabilising for our children than uncertainty, which is why routines help make children feel safe and secure, they simplify who will do what, when and how and in a wider way, they allow family-life to run more calmly and efficiently – and calm people can be reasoned with much more easily!
Working out when the intervention of a routine should be used simply requires the acknowledgement that they are born out of need for productivity. They have other criteria too; the actions need to be repetitive and the outcome impacting on those involved. Such situations usually live in spaces of regular stress and inefficiency, places where time is wasted, or they are contained within aspects of certain tasks that often get forgotten or parts of the day which present as repeated areas of tension or conflict.
One of the challenges about building routines for a family is trying to co-ordinate several people to stick to the same routine. This can be hard if you have a mixture of personalities, different ages, early birds and night owls. Listening and working with all involved is critical, after all, the family are much more likely to fall in step with the routine if they have helped create it. Get the family together and agree which aspects of the school week were known to be difficult, get the children to help create a plan, where they identify what they can contribute to make those moments easier and be clear what the benefits of a new approach will be. Write it down if it’s new or complex and pop it in an easy to spot place.
Practise and familiarisation
Don’t wait until the first days of school to try out the routines, they will need practise to run smoothly. In fact, bringing in any changes, even new routines can manifest uncertainty and stress, and starting a new school or a new year group is challenge enough without adding extra pressure. Also, it might take several goes to fine tune the new routines. And if that’s the case - try and be as accommodating as possible in recognition of differences and be open to feedback or small adjustments to the routine but always keep in focus the purpose for the routine and re-run any new expectations if changes are made.
The routines that should take centre stage over the next week are:
Bedtime adjustments: re-introducing the school bedtimes needs to happen gradually. With agreement, wake primary school children gradually earlier and earlier to by the end of the week they are rising at a time that will enable them to dress and prepare for school without being rushed. Teenagers should practise reducing screen time before bed, so they are properly relaxed and organising themselves to wake up at an earlier, scheduled time that they have agreed to. Try not to intervene if they don’t manage to fulfil their plans straight away – that’s why they are practising and allowing for errors also allows for problem solving and adjustment on their terms.
Travel arrangements and fall-back plans: In all the confusion of last year much has changed regarding how children get to school, some parents were working from home more and could drop off at the school gate, this may have changed. Other children are off to new schools and whether walking, being dropped off or using public transport or the school bus, a practise run is essential. Check walkers know the route, car travellers may be part of a car pool, check they know the arrangements, check bus riders know where the bus-stops are for a return journey, check they know how to access and read the timetable, check payment methods – do you need a pass or travel permit and most importantly, what do they need to do if the bus is missed or late or cancelled. This can be very distressing, especially for children transitioning from primary to secondary. Talk through with your child a routine for a fall-back plan and practise it with them.
Mealtimes: Children often fall into different eating patterns when they are not at school and given that many children had many more weeks at home than usual, it is very possible they have snacked more frequently or eaten around activities. Once back at school eating time is very limited. Check the school day schedule and try to bring in similar eating times in the last week of the school break. Also ensure all children get breakfast, it’s something that easy to skip in the holidays but it’s a must on a school day. Hungry children struggle to concentrate and are much more likely to be generally disagreeable - not the best start to the school day!
Goodbyes: these are always hard at the start of a new school year, a new school or indeed the beginning of a school career. They can be hard for both parent and child, especially given the amount of extra shared time families have had together recently. Younger children often show their distress through tears and being clingy but older children can often feel very anxious at the point of parting even though they may not show outward signs.
Make a routine out of a single hug and kiss and a sentence that the child will acknowledge as your commitment to them; it may go something like:,
‘I love you, have a lovely day and I can’t wait - for you to tell me all about it / to see you at 3pm / to hear your adventures.’
Self-care: as a parent it’s really easy to fall into the space of taking on all the responsibility to make sure everyone is in the right place, at the right time and fully equipped. But as a parent, practising the routines set up with the family also enables you to have a better paced day. Allowing the family to help where they can, promotes family cohesion (the glue that holds the family together through appreciation and mutual respect) and manufactures enough space for you to enjoy working as a team. Modelling some of the behaviour you are trying to promote, such as going to bed earlier, closing screens down a good hour before bed so you are well relaxed and preparing bags, clothes and lunch boxes the night before can also bolster the agreed family routines. Children often mirror the actions parents display so without setting specific routines these additional behaviours encourage positive activity.
Thinking ahead: As a parent life always moves more smoothly when we think ahead and are prepared for events, and so it is for our children. Keeping a family calendar in full view helps everyone know what others are doing and mentally primes us for small, daily changes. Again modelling, using regular reference to the calendar will show younger children where they can access information about changes and allow them to use their routines to accommodate them. Thinking ahead though isn’t just about diary dates, creating a routine of talking through what’s to come can also empower our children and encourage excitement rather than anxiety towards new and challenging developments. School topics, syllabi, expectations and responsibilities will change with the progression of a new school year, but they won’t all happen in the first week of term. As the months unroll, they will reveal themselves, so constant conversation of what’s about to come can be really helpful to see how your child feels and offers sufficient time to help them adjust and feel positive towards their own progression.
Lastly, get into a routine of asking for help: In the UK we used the assumptive positive parenting model where we assume all parents can do a great job of parenting without the need for free, accessible support. Typically, as parents we wait until the wheels drop off and we feel totally at sea before asking for external, professional help. Why? Parenting is the hardest job any of us will ever do. There is no parent that hasn’t had times when they are unsure, lost or totally overwhelmed, and plenty of parents who have tried all the suggestions of friends and modelled all the behaviours seen as a child growing up and yet challenges persist. Schools deal with children all day long, teachers are trained to get the best out of them and most schools have specific support staff to help parents who have questions and need advice. Some even have specific parent support help and others who work with agencies like Place To Be will work with children and parents. Don’t struggle alone, this usually leads to making matters worse, as a parent, you deserve to be supported. (For free confidential advice and support go to https://www.familylives.org.uk/)
Good luck to everyone for the new year ahead, I wish happiness and success for all.
As always, your thoughts and comments are most welcome.
Until next month, very best wishes
Nicola